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What happens if you don’t FEEL in love anymore?
Can you think back to the times that you felt happy and full of love for your spouse? How long ago was it? Do you miss it or has it been too long in your mind?
What made those feelings go away?
Your relationship with each other has been put to the side for all of life’s other pressures: kids, work, house, hobbies, you name it. Many people would rather surf social media then spend intimate time with their spouse. As you read this you are wondering how this happened and what (or if) you want to change it.
Perhaps you don’t get along anymore and you seem to be fighting are and more. Or if you are the silent type maybe you haven’t had a real deep conversation with each other because you are not feeling connected and do not feel like sharing that venerable part of yourself. So you only communicate about things that have no real meaning or are vital to life, like kids, and house. Needless to say, the tension in your home is tense and everyone can feel it.
Often, neither partner is willing to take the first step towards repairing the relationship and often neither is totally at fault. But both partners feel they unloved and might even be thinking of divorce.
Spouses start to examine what happened and then blame their spouse for what has happened instead of seeing what they themselves has done to get where they are they blame their spouse for all the problems. The vicious cycle of blaming each other only makes it worse as each partner starts to resent the other furthering the separation of the relationship.
Marriage takes more than just love. Don’t get me wrong, Love is the most important feeling in a relationship. But more than LOVE, couples need to have some of the other emotions too.
- Friendship- when something happens in your life that is exciting, shocking or causes pain- how is the first person you think of turning to? This should be your spouse! You should want to share all your thoughts, dreams, and feelings with each other. If you talk to your friends more than your spouse, try to change it up a little at a time by making your spouse the #1 person you talk to next time something comes up that you need to share. Work your way up to sharing everything first with your spouse.
- Be a good listener- when people communicate, often times you are listening to a someone talk and formulating your response as you listen to them. This does not make you a good listener! Instead turn all your attention to the person talking and wait until they are done to then think of what to say (even if you need to pause for a few moments, it’s okay) This takes some practice to LISTEN this way. But it has the power to change your relationship.
- Stop BLAMING! Take 100% responsibility for everything in your life. Do not blame anyone else (especially your spouse) for how you feel and act. Simple example: if you were late to work because you left home a little later than usual. Take responsibility for being late by stating: I was late because I left late. Instead of blaming the traffic. If you come home from work in a bad mood and do not feel like helping with dinner, instead of causing a scene or fight. Explain why you are grumpy, taking responsibility for your emotions and actions. Can you do something before you get home to change your mood?
If your relationship is going strong and you just need some new ideas to make it stronger or perhaps this story sounded too familiar and you are struggling, you need to know:
No matter how distant or feeling unloved you feel right now in your relationship, you can still find happiness and fill your marriage with love to last a lifetime. I have seen it happen over and over with couples who we have helped.
That’s why I wrote the book “THE GIRLFREIND EFFECT” and developed “5 Steps to Marriage Makeover” so you can learn how to increase intimacy, passion and love in your relationship. (Book: Boyfriend Effect is coming soon)
You will learn how to identify the little things that can build a wall between you and how the little day to day situations can hinder your love for each other. More importantly you will learn how to do simple little things to let your partner know you love and appreciate them.
To Learn More go to jodiharman.com
Thanks for this piece and I really can relate with point nº3. We need to stop blaming and take responsibility for what we do. We have the capacity to change our life and make our relationship better.
A useful trick I have heard is to stop at some point during the day, every day – and just think to yourself, “What can I do for my partner today?” It can be something really small and simple like leaving a flower on their pillow or a note somewhere, or just a spontaneous text saying you love them. Chances are you’ll make their day and open the door to healing the relationship. A little step in the right direction can gather momentum very quickly!
I’ve always believed that we literally ‘think’ our relationships into being. Your partner becomes what you think he is to you. What I mean is that we are responsible for how our partners react or respond to us and it is in our power to change it and strengthen our relationships.
I’m a very direct person and one of the things that has always gotten under my skin during committed relationships is a lack of communication. On balance, you could say I am partly at fault for not directly telling my partners that I prefer very direct communication, but I suppose I’ve always taken for granted that it shouldn’t be said.
And I think it’s hard not to blame someone when they do something that is not something you would do (no matter what that thing would be), but if we’re really honest, if the mistake isn’t worth ending the relationship over, while stew over it for eternity when you can just move on with your life together?
Well this is certainly something that we all grapple with at some point in our lives. It is hard to know, too, because all you really have to base it on is your previous experiences, and if you have never been in love before you might not know how to handle certain situations. I know that this is the case with me, and it does lead to a lot of issues and the need for good communication with my partner. It is something that we can all share together and learn from each other though, and so for that I say thank you for sharing.